No, I will NOT tie the mattress to the top of my Toyota

Too many people think they can actually move in an uber.

and every one of them says or at least thinks, "well, what the hell am i supposed to do?

We have all had that rider who, after accepting, texts, "sweet, you have a big car. I have a lot of stuff."

There used to be days i didn't cancel when I got that.

Just strap it to the top. Collect $4.43, and no tip.  Easy-peasy.

LOL, I love how this is your entire post. I was expecting some sort of story but in a way having no other context makes this that much more funny!

Or move this sleeper sofa... 

LOL. I got the same question this year. I mean it wasn't even a question. just an outright expectation when i showed up. They were all proud that everything was on the curb and waiting (so I didn't have to wait).

Me: "No, you can't tie that to my car."

Dude: "buy I ordered an XL"

Unbelievable.